Buckle in, kids! I have a lot to say this week.
2021: To resolve or not to resolve? That is the question. Are you planning on setting new year’s resolutions this year? If so, chances are that at least one of them is:
Exercise more
Drink less
Save money
Quit smoking
I know you’re thinking I am some kind of mind reader for knowing this, but the truth is these 4 resolutions are consistent across the years. These are not bad goals but are they attainable?
Stop and think about the last time you set new year’s resolutions. Thinking about them? Okay. Now, how many of them did you achieve? How do you know you achieved them? I reflected on this myself and I honestly could not remember the last time I could mark a resolution of the ol’ new year, new me list. I know I’m not the only one that struggles with this but as I’ve been watching TV lately, there are so many commercials for everything that can help you with your resolutions. Seriously - even one more Peloton commercial is one too many. Do people even buy those? I digress….
So this was my inspiration for this week’s post. What is it about new year’s resolutions that make us feel compelled to make them? And why do we feel so bummed out when we quit working on them?
“When unreasonable expectations for self-change are not met, people are likely to feel frustrated and despondent, and to give up trying to change.” (Polivy & Herman)
I’m gonna start with the academics right out of the gate this week. Janet Polivy and C. Peter Herman from the Psychology Department of the University of Toronto wrote an amazing article that I found cited in several articles I found this week. So I hunted down the article “The False-Hope Syndrome: Unfulfilled Expectations of Self-Change” and it blew my mind. Not because of one single AH-HA moment but because of all of the negative behaviors and struggles I see in myself.
What is the false-hope syndrome?
Although Polivy & Herman went on for pages explaining it, I’ll give the high-level concept. The false-hope syndrome explains the overly enthusiastic desire to make unreasonable changes where we inevitably crash & burn. There are tons of aspects of these resolutions that we either don’t consider or are way off the mark with our assumptions, like:
Unrealistic time frames
The amount of mental energy needed
Overinflated perceptions of control
The ease of reaching the goal
An optimistic bias towards our progress
Wow! That looks harsh but it’s the reality we get when we make those crazy, generic goals like “I’ll be happier this year.” There are a million questions about that resolution - how do you define happy? How do you measure happiness? What actions make you happy? How do you know you’re happier than you were at the beginning of the year?
Why do we do this to ourselves?
It could be very easy for me to blame marketing and media here since overinflated expectations bombard us every day from them. However, this post is about us and how we self-sabotage our good efforts. (Believe me - social expectations which is a whole other topic I don’t want to get into right now.) Let’s look at probably the most common resolution to illustrate the false-hope syndrome phenomenon: I’m going to lose weight.
In our society (I’m speaking about western cultures here), we generally place a higher value on attractive people. Ouch! It’s true though. We have a tendency to see thinner people as healthier or pretty people as happier. Now, look at the commercials for weight loss products showing someone that lost 50 pounds in 2 months or went from a round belly to a flat one in 3 weeks. How do they make you feel? I’ll speak for myself - I feel like I’m not doing enough or could stand to lose a few pounds. I immediately feel like I’m not in control of my body and health.
Control is at the heart of new year’s resolutions motivation and failure.
By resolving to lose large amounts of weight, you’re assuming that you have the ability to do so. But what about medications? Or other health issues that prevent you from exercising? The goal of dropping 5 sizes may literally be impossible for you at this time. But your overly optimistic self sees that other people have done it so surely you can do it too!
Another example is the resolution of saving money. Yes - this is an excellent goal and I totally support it. But if you lose your job or have unexpected medical expenses it’s not feasible.
“When unreasonable expectations for self-change are not met, people are likely to feel frustrated and despondent, and to give up trying to change.” (Polivy & Herman)
Now we have a weight goal that’s impossible and don’t have money to add to savings. Because we pushed ourselves so hard in the beginning and tied our success to unrealistic outcomes, we start to only focus on the negative. If I’ve equated losing weight to being happy and I’m not losing the weight I want, I now feel like I can’t be happy. Or if I’ve equated saving money to security and I’m unable to save, I now feel financially insecure.
This stress can cause your brain to constantly think about how you’re not succeeding. To help with this, we tend to start monitoring our thoughts, which at its core is not bad. But when that monitoring becomes excessive, you may try to suppress any thought that’s unwanted. This constant thinking about your failures shifts your thinking to fixating on the wrong aspects of the goal. It’s okay to eat something you’re craving while you’re on a diet, but it’s not okay to call yourself a failure for that one action.
So are new year’s resolutions even worth it?
It may seem like I’ve made the case of how evil new year’s resolutions are. But that’s not the case. It’s the unmeasurable and unrealistic ones that need to go. Think about it - did you gain all of the weight you want to lose in only the previous year? Probably not. So why do we put the pressure on ourselves to correct years of behavior so quickly?
My answer: yes - they can be worth it if they’re done right. I’m sure most people have heard about SMART goals: specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time-tracked. If you’re in the corporate world, you’ve probably been beat over the head with SMART goal training. But the reality is that this kind of structure is how we can be successful and build confidence.
Rather than resolving to “lose weight this year,” how about setting a SMART goal like: I resolve to lose 5 pounds by March 1st. Now, figure out what needs to change in order to hit that. Then in March, you can set a new goal for the next month or two. Then, as you start changing your behavior and addressing the causes of why you want to lose weight, those small successes start adding up.
We all want to be successful. This doesn’t come in a pill that helps you lose 25 pounds in a week or all of the sudden saving $50,000 in a year. Not only do we need to set these realistic goals, but we also need to develop coping strategies for the inevitable stumbles along the way. Yes - we will always have setbacks when working towards any goal.
So be kind to yourself this year. The fact that we made it through 2020 is an accomplishment on it’s own! If you want to set resolutions, think of that SMART goal setting framework. And guess what - you don’t have to set new year’s resolutions. It’s true - there’s literally no law or regulation anywhere that requires it. You get to determine when and how you set personal goals.
Success comes in bite-sized pieces!
Articles & Resources
American Psychological Association - Making your New Year’s resolution stick
Current Directions in Psychological Science - The False-Hope Syndrome: Unfulfilled Expectations of Self-Change by Janet Polivy and C. Peter Herman
IFLScience - The Psychology Of New Year’s Resolutions by Mark Griffiths
lifehacker - The New Year's Resolutions Most Likely to Fail, and What to Do Instead by Eric Ravenscraft
Psychology Today - Resolution Folly by Hara Estroff Marano
Image credit: Getty Images
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