This holiday season is gonna be emotionally insane for my family. Not just because of the pandemic, but because this is the first holiday season without my Dad. Already the grief waves have been hitting me and my family members. So while this may be a more solemn post than usual, the research I’ve done will help me, my family, and hopefully, anyone else that is going through this too.
I know this year will be different.
Every person in my family is going to feel and process grief differently. There’s no “right way” for us to each feel as children, siblings, or mother and spouse. Some of my stress is from not knowing how to act or what to say to each one. It should come as no surprise that this is completely normal and to be expected for all of us to experience!
In addition to the empty chair this year, the pandemic has created another wrench in the gears. No one can come to town for holiday visits. So with my family, the holidays mean family and traditions, just like most others! This means a loud horde of kiddos, lots of family games, adult time to watch movies and work on crafts or hobbies, and specific foods. Yes - this can be exhausting (especially for those of us without children that are used to fairly quiet homes) but the madness is part of the holiday season experience. Missing out on seeing my siblings and their families is another cause for the sadness.
I need coping strategies!
I can’t do the next couple of months without some guidance and strategies. Without them, I’ll just live in my onsies, watch TV, and cry for weeks. And although that sounds like a good idea, it’s not. Wallowing should be done in short spurts, not 2 month intervals. After reading and crying and reading and crying, here are a few that stood out to me.
1. Traditions- old and new
There is comfort in holiday traditions. When we get to experience those foods or books or music that we only enjoy once a year, we get those warm fuzzies and happy emotions. One of the big ones for my family is my late grandma’s ginger muffins. Now we all have the recipe, but there’s something about making them in any other month besides November and December - they just don’t taste the same.
But there may be other traditions that can be too painful so they need a reboot. For my family, my dad used to read The Polar Express every year. I don’t know what will happen this year. Will someone else do it? Will we do it in our individual families?
There is no wrong answer here! Thinking through these things and trying new traditions is completely valid! Changing things doesn’t mean we don’t miss and honor my Dad. It means that we care so much about his presence in our lives that there are just some things that won’t be the same and we’re going to band together as a family to do what’s best for those of us that are still around.
2. Anticipate your triggers
There are some things that are going to send any or all of us into instant grief. So with this exercise, it may be emotionally rough, but taking time to think about those books, foods, songs, or anything else that may be a grief trigger can help prepare you for processing the emotion easier.
As I mentioned earlier, because Dad read The Polar Express, it may be some before I can read it or watch the movie (even though I didn’t really like that adaptation). So this year, I know that I will probably be hit with a grief wave every time I see anything related to it. And it will probably continue for the rest of my life. But with this identified, I can focus my memories on some of those specific years that stick out or specific nuances of his delivery.
3. Don’t feel bad for being happy
This is something I struggle with even now. When I see my family members or others close to me in pain and grieving, I feel like I should feel as they do. I know a big chunk of that is because of my naturally empathetic nature, but it’s also pretty common within families that have recently lost a loved one. The danger here is being pulled into a downward spiral unnecessarily. I can miss my Dad and still have joy. It’s okay for me to laugh! And it’s okay if others aren’t in the same place emotionally as me at that moment. We’ll all ebb & flow. And that’s okay.
4. It’s okay to have a different perspective
When you’ve lost someone you’re close to, even if it’s not a blood relative, it really changes your perspective on life. With two losses so close to each other, I know my awareness and sense of responsibility on making positive impacts and being there for those around me heightened. Another one is the importance of small experiences - they mean the world to me.
This year, when I Zoom with my family members or send pictures in our family chat, it will be different. And, for me, it won’t be as focused on what presents everyone got (even though I love watching the kiddos open their gifts from me because one of my love languages is gifting) but I’ll want to know more about the traditions or what they had for breakfast or a funny thing someone said at dinner. I value the stories and I cherish the memories they create more than I used to.
So yes - I will cry a lot this year. But I’ll also prepare for those waves and ride them out. And I’ll also enjoy every second I have with my loved ones because I know they won’t last forever. I suppose that’s the good that comes out of loss - the understanding that special moments are priceless, no matter how small.
Articles & Resources
Grieving.com - First holiday season w/o my Dad forum
Griswold Home Care - Holiday Grief: The First Holiday Without Mom or Dad by Jessica Still
PsychCentral - The Empty Chair at the Holiday Table by Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.
Psychology Today - Getting Through the Holidays After Losing a Loved One by Kymberly Grosso
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