If you’re anything like me, the holidays are the best & most stressful times of the year. I absolutely LOVE being with my family. With 5 siblings plus their spouses plus their kids, it can get totally overwhelming.
This is where setting boundaries comes into play.
You may have heard about setting boundaries, but maybe you’re not sure what that means exactly. Here’s the Reader’s Digest version: Boundaries are how you define your limits for your physical and emotional well-being. In an article I found, I really liked how they explained the benefits of setting boundaries. The benefits of boundaries are:
Since these aren’t visible lines in the sand per se, it can be more difficult for others to know where those lines are.
If you don’t share your boundaries with others, how are they to know what is acceptable?
This is probably the most uncomfortable things we have to do. But it’s totally worth it. One piece of advice from my non-professional perspective: be aware of your audience. Setting boundaries may be a new concept for your family or friends, so they may not know how to respond. This is a great opportunity to explain it to them!
So how do I figure out what my boundaries are and how do I tell people?
This could be completely different for everyone, but I’ll share what I’ve done. Maybe that will give you a jumping off point for your journey. For these steps, I’ll focus on time with my family, since that’s probably the biggest stressor for many people and it’s the holidays so many of us may be in high-stress situations that are out of the ordinary.
1. I took time to really examine what triggers me when I’m with lots of family members. Since I’m not used to having many people around outside of work of social settings, it is super overwhelming when I’m around everyone, even if it’s only for a few days. But not seeing them isn’t an option! Taking time to really identify what activities or events that consistently happen that I can have some control over has been vital. If I can’t give specifics, then I can’t expect my family members to understand what to do around me.
2. I figure out the best way to communicate my boundary for a specific issue. I know it may not be accepted the same way by everyone, so I may need to approach it differently for different people. Knowing how to approach it with each family member will increase the likelihood that they’ll understand and respect it.
3. I communicate my boundaries and consequences. A super important thing to remember when you share your boundaries: You can’t control how they may react. So for your own sanity, do what you can to not take a poor response personally. You are not responsible for their behavior! All you can do is communicate and stick to your guns.
4. If there are violations, I say something immediately! In my experience, almost every time this happens, it’s not intentional. It may take them time to adjust. So say something immediately. Give them the benefit of the doubt.
5. If violations continue, it's time to enforce defined consequences. Because they’re aware of your boundaries and you’ve addressed violations immediately, they need to know that they need to make an effort. Your well-being is important, so you shouldn’t have to compromise.
If you don’t have experience with this, it’s going to take some time to be more comfortable and proficient in the process. But keep working on it! This is a primary tool for being mentally healthy! If you haven’t worked with a therapist before, I’d strongly recommend it. I’ll also include some links below to some articles that might be useful.
You’re mental, physical, and emotional health is important! You have a voice and can decide what is too much! I think you’ll find that most people will support & respect your boundaries.
Check out some good articles and activities to help you define and communicate your boundaries and consequences:
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