We’ve all heard them - platitudes like “this too shall pass” or “better luck next time.” And I’m sure many of us, myself included, fall into the trap of using them instead of saying something more poignant. Sometimes after the fact, I think to myself that it was dumb to say something so passe. What got me thinking about this was holiday commercials - seriously.
How many times have we seen holiday commercials of women receiving jewelry while they’re decorating the tree (which has so many implications that it may be worth its own post) or one or two impeccably presented cars with giant bows in the driveway on Christmas morning? Car bows! They’re so annoying. To quote Key and Peele: “What am I supposed to do with a car bow?” If you haven’t seen that sketch, it is amazing and I’ve linked it here for you. I’ve always felt like they were so shallow and out of touch.
To bring it back to everyday life a bit more, since recognizing these commercially, I’m noticing them more in general. I think this is common during the holidays because we don’t know what else to say. It seems to be more comfortable to say something non-challenging than remaining silent or voicing how we really feel.
We usually use platitudes to make ourselves feel better.
I know that sounds harsh, but it’s true. So why do we do it? This is what I wanted to dig into this week. I know I say this every week, but I’m definitely not a mental health professional, just a curious individual.
Our reaction of justification or comforting ourselves in adversity is an evolutionary instinct. That’s right - it’s science! Justification, also referred to as the psychological immune system, is how we cope with stressful situations as humans. This is how our psyche protects us subconsciously.
A great example of this that I found was when someone dumped or rejected by a partner. While there were good times, it’s a natural reaction to remember and focus on the negative aspects of the relationship or person. We do this because it’s easier for us to handle the negative event if we feel comforted, even if it’s artificial. It’s a common defense mechanism.
Let’s tie this to using platitudes, shall we?
Let’s look at a scenario that I’m experiencing this year. Someone you know has lost a family member and this is the first holiday season without them. Dad died in February, so this is a year of firsts like this. One thing that I’ve heard quite regularly is “our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.” Now I don’t think there’s anything malicious or intentionally condescending about this phrase. And unless someone is aware of why it can be offensive or why they are compelled to say it, they should not be demonized or anything like that; this their unconscious reaction to feeling uncomfortable. They truly believe that they’re doing the right thing by saying this to be helpful or they just don’t know what else to say.
As a recipient of these wishes, it can be annoying to hear and may even be frustrating. That particular phrase is said under the assumption that the person hearing it believes that good will come out of these thoughts and prayers. But in the heat of the moment, the person saying it just wants me to feel better. And it’s important for me to remember that so I don’t get too hung up on it and become resentful. As a self-proclaimed optimistic realist, I understand that there’s no malice, just an unknown lack of empathy.
Yes - I have talked about empathy before, which you can read about in the linked post down below. But let’s look at this in the narrow focus of platitude abuse.
Slow down. Next time you’re faced with an uncomfortable interaction, whether it is a conversation, Facebook post, or anything else, slow down. The natural reaction is to immediately comment and we fall back on platitudes because it’s just second-nature. By slowing your mind down and resisting the immediacy, we’re able to take the time to see the experience from another perspective.
It’s okay if you don’t know what to say. The lack of knowing what to say is usually why we jump to the comfort of platitudes. But you know what, telling someone that you don’t know what to say is okay too! If I’ve never been through what another has gone through, there’s no way I can understand how they’re feeling. So rather than saying something like “this too shall pass” and having them tune out because that’s the 100th time they’ve heard it, it’s okay to say that I am not sure what to say but that I recognize their pain.
Like I always say, there is so much more on this topic by doctors and mental health professionals. But I will say that next time you’re faced with an emotionally challenging situation someone else is going through, try to remember that it’s not about you and how you feel. It’s about them and what they need. This is not an easy cycle to break, but being able to identify when you fall into the trap is the first step!
Articles & Resources
Headspace - 10 useless platitudes to stop saying this year by Lina Abascal
Huffpost - 13 Commercial Clichés That We’re Not Buying Anymore by Katla McGlynn
Self - 9 Clichés and Platitudes I’m Tired of Hearing as a Black Woman Now That the Election Is Over by Patia Braithwaite
Psychology Today - 5 Things You Have to Stop Saying to People You Care About by Peg Streep
Psychology Today - The Contradictions of Cliches by Steven Mintz Ph.D.
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