Several months ago, I listened to an audiobook that blew my mind - Stalling for Time by Gary Noesner. If you don’t know, Noesner is best known for his role as chief negotiator during the Waco fiasco in 1993. His insight into understanding people and how to work with them was insanely insightful.
“Before we can influence others we must first listen and understand. Listening is the cheapest concession we can ever make.” -Gary Noesner
That’s a lovely quote, but how does this apply to us as individuals?
Let’s start by looking at the current state of the United States, although this is probably applicable to any society. This last week was one of the most emotionally charged and exhausting I think any of us can remember. We’re already stressed out enough with the pandemic and quarantining. Let’s just pile on the stress of one of the most intense and polarizing presidential races to make it more exciting. And don’t forget the civil unrest in pursuit of justice and equality. These are all significant!
The opinions of individuals on all of these topics are as varied as Jelly Belly flavors. You’re welcome for that analogy. Pandemics and highly contentious political races have happened before! Opinions about these things being all over the place is nothing new, but social media has given everyone a platform. And that is the blessing and the curse, isn’t it. Rather than heated conversations being limited to individual conversations, within smaller communities, or through a small number of media outlets, we can share our thoughts with a global audience. The research on the psychological impacts of social media are ongoing, but we know that it impacts and interferes with dopamine production. Our desire for rewards and recognition can skew our pursuit of truth and empathy.
And this is where Gary Noesner comes in...
Several times in his book, Noesner talks about how important listening is to not just the negotiation process but in everyday life. Now the examples provided are obviously more extreme than anything the majority of us will experience, but there are important lessons we can learn - especially about listening.
We should not expect everyone we talk to or that reads our posts to agree with us. Nor should we want that! Diversity in thought and belief systems is how we grow as a society. By quieting our mind to process information that differs from our world view, we can begin to understand others’ motivations and experiences. With that, we build not just sympathy but we move towards empathy. And with an empathetic mindset, we can start seeing the similarities and alignments rather than the divisions. And that’s how we can continue with civil discourse, not blind arguments.
Dr. Amy Howell said it eloquently - as a nation, we need to have circle time. Do you remember that when we were kiddos in grade school? Everyone sat on the rug and shared and we all just listened to each other.
Articles & resources
Gary Noesner’s website (including how to get his book): http://garynoesner.com/
King University: The Psychology of Social Media
Psychology Today: Our Nation Needs a Circle Time: How Early Childhood Classrooms Can Help in This Moment
Psychology Today: The Art of Listening: Explorative listening as a way to be with other
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