I don’t know about you, but I feel like I have multiple couple friends getting divorced or breaking up right now. And it feels like it’s more than usual. But that could just be pandemic brain where it seems like most things are the worst-case scenario. So this week, I decided to look into it a bit more to see if this is a legit thing.
Spoiler alert: It’s not just me. This is common in times of disaster and high trauma.
Last month, the New York Post published an article about divorce rates skyrocketing during this pandemic. Based on their research, the national divorce rate has increased 34% over the same time last year. I found that staggering! They mention the Phases of Disaster and the Disillusionment Phase specifically. So I decided to look into the phases to get a better understanding of relationships during the insanity of this pandemic.
So I started with SAMHSA, the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Administration. (I highly recommend this as a starting place for most issues - they have incredible resources!)
The Phases of Disaster are a way for healthcare professionals to understand and explain societal trends during the stress of any kind of disaster. Rather than type a bunch of this out, I’m going to start with this fantastic graphic from SAMHSA.
From SAMHSA's article Phases of Disaster
As you can see, there are many phases. Check out the article to read more about them. Because I wanted to learn more about the divorce and break up rate, I’m just going to focus on the Disillusionment Phase.
During the disillusionment phase, communities and individuals realize the limits of disaster assistance. As optimism turns to discouragement and stress continues to take a toll, negative reactions, such as physical exhaustion or substance use, may begin to surface.
From SAMHSA's article Phases of Disaster
So when does this phase kick in? When life tries to get back to normal. Sound familiar? Kind of like when schools reopen and people start going back to work during a pandemic. Add the fact that this is a shared global experience and relationships will be strained more than any of us could imagine! Another variable is that if there were cracks in the foundation of a relationship before the quarantine, then those feelings are felt exponentially now.
So what can we do to improve our relationships during this unprecedented time?
We may feel helpless and completely overwhelmed. This doesn’t help when there are relationships on the line. So here are a few things I found during my research that may help should you find yourself in this situation or are part of the support system for someone who is.
Seek out assistance from a professional. There is no shame in asking for help! Mental health professionals are ready and eager to help. And they have additional training for times of disaster, like this. If you’re having relationship problems or if you’re not sure how to help a friend who is, I would highly encourage you to talk to a mental healthcare professional.
Have the courage to talk honestly. The first step to dealing with any relationship challenge (romantic or otherwise) is to be open and honest with your partner or partners. This is easier to type than do, I get it. But if no one is willing to start the conversation, then these negative feelings continue to build and simmer just under the surface. Not sure how to start that conversation? See recommendation 1. But if you don’t have access to healthcare, then there are amazing resources online. I’ll include a few at the end of this post.
Spend time on yourself. Especially in a time when we’re all at home most of the time, it can be exhausting being with partners, children, and pets 24/7! This makes it really easy to forget about yourself. I know we’ve all heard it before, but it’s just like putting on an oxygen mask if a plane loses altitude: put on your mask first. By making sure you have some time to recharge, you can set yourself up for helping your loved ones around you. This may be as simple as going for a walk for a few minutes alone or engaging in a hobby. And this is a fantastic time to pick up a new hobby!
So yes - there are more people in my life that are getting divorced or separating. And while knowing this is expected during this pandemic, it still makes me sad. And it’s okay to be sad over this. While it’s not super comforting, it is a bit relieving knowing a teeny bit of the science behind it. To anyone reading this that is experiencing these relationship challenges, it’s not just you. Please, please find some resources to help you navigate through this. I’m not saying that any of these recommendations will prevent separation, but hopefully, it will give you some perspective and context.
Articles
New York Times: US divorce rates skyrocket amid COVID-19 pandemic
SAMHSA: Phases of Disaster
American Psychological Association: Quickly calming distress and improving mental health
The National Child Traumatic Stress Network: About Psychological First Aid
Psychology Today: 5 Tips for Tough Conversations With Your Partner
Harvard Business Review: How to Have Difficult Conversations When You Don’t Like Conflict
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